The Devil Gets New Tenant: Aaron Hernandez

Filed under: God Talks Back |

Wednesday in Hell was a special day for the Devil. It started out as usual. He turned on FOX expecting to watch his favorite daytime personality, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer bumble, stumble and lie his way through another press briefing. But then came the news: Former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez hanged himself in his maximum security prison cell in Massachusetts. The Devil was — to put it mildly — ecstatic. He bolted out of his La-Z-Boy recliner and screamed, “Way to go dawg!!!”

As prison officials tell us Hernandez, serving a life sentence for the 2013 murder of his friend Odin Lloyd was found hanging from a bed sheet early that morning. This happened just five days after he was acquitted in the 2012 shooting deaths of two men outside a Boston nightclub.

So the Devil, an avid Patriots fan began the long walk up the stairway to Heaven to share the good news with God.

“Hey, Evelyn,” said the Devil to Evelyn Lincoln, God’s personal secretary as he passed her in the simply furnished outer office.

“He’s pissed,” she said. “I’d wait if I were you.”

“Thanks sweetie.” The Devil barged in any way and flopped down on a worn Ikea couch.

God, wearing his customary long white robe and sandals sat back in his chair behind his desk with his eyes closed. “Devil, you picked a bad day. I’m doing my damnedest to prevent this Donald Trump idiot from starting World War Three in Asia but nothing I do seems to work.”

“Oh well,” said his horned antagonist anxious to change the subject. “Hey — did you hear about Aaron Hernandez?”

“Of course I did,” said the Lord. “I don’t live up in the clouds in some gold ivory tower in Manhattan like someone else I know.

“But some of the stuff I heard about his suicide doesn’t make sense.”

“Like what?” asked the master of evil.

“Like — well, why would he kill himself five days after being acquitted on the other murders? If anything I’d think he’d be pumped. You know, a faint hope he’d get off on the other stuff. And what’s with the John 3:16 Bible verse written on Hernandez’ forehead? All of a sudden this whack job found me? God?” God shook his head. “I liked it better when that dopey schmuck with the crazy rainbow Afro used to hold up those religious signs at sporting events. ”

“Well the cops say –”

“The cops say?” asked God.  He stood up and looked out the window. Down below John Dillinger was playing horseshoes with Robert E. Lee. “They can say anything they want! Didn’t you ever see ‘Shawshank Redemption'”?

“Look. All I know is I got this Aaron Hernandez dude joining me downstairs for a long, long time. And after I have him sign a few autographs for me and the guys, he’s gonna be spending lots of time showing me how to block — just like a tight end’s supposed to.”

God sat down behind his desk, leaned back and stroked his long white beard. After studying his associate for a moment…”Hmm. I’ve seen you play. You do seem to let of good people get past you.”

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Posted by on April 20, 2017. Filed under God Talks Back. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.