Knicks Can’t Draw Top Free Agents

Filed under: God & the Knicks,God Talks Back |

God, his hands clasped behind his flowing white robe paced back and forth in his simple, non nondescript office. He stopped suddenly and looked up at a large gold framed picture of a beaming Phil Jackson. “I can create Heaven and Hell and everything in between,” he bellowed. “I can get a stiff like Adam Sandler one movie deal after another…and I can get South Carolina to finally take down that damn Confederate flag…but I can’t get seem to get any decent free agents to sign with my Knicks! Why Phil, why???” A small bead of water formed under Jackson’s right eye and slowly dripped down . “Ah ha! You finally admit it! The intercom buzzed.


God’s not happy with the start of NBA free agency

“Father,” said his assistant, the nasally voiced Evelyn Lincoln, “Red Holzman’s here to see you.”¬†God put on his happy face and opened the door and shook hands with the coach who led the Knicks to their only two titles.

Late, great Knicks head coach Red Holzman

Late, great Knicks head coach Red Holzman

“Red good buddy, come in, come in.” Holzman, in his customary suit and tie pulled up a folding chair. God sat back in his creaky old one and folded his arms. “First it’s Marc Gasol. Then Greg Monroe, Red. Greg frickin’ Monroe they can’t even get! This is supposed to be “The Summer of Phil.” Instead it’s turning into “The Summer of Nill!”Holzman scratched his eyebrow.

“Jeez, I don’t get it either. They should all be dying to play in New York. Monroe’s ‘D’ around the rim ain’t the greatest but still. Something stinks.”

“And the real kick in the grapes,” said the Lord, “wasn’t Kevin Love re-upping with the Cavs, or Paul Millsap staying put in Atlanta. It’s David West saying my guys ‘Aren’t good enough to sign him.’ ”

David West on Knicks: "Hell no, I won't go"

David West on Knicks: “Hell no, I won’t go”

Holzman gave God a look as if to say, “Well, is he wrong?”

God stroked his long white beard. “OK, Red he’s right. But still. We both know Jordan and Aldridge will go through the motions with us just to get more leverage. At the end of the day — man I can’t believe I said that — when it’s all said and done, what do we end up with?”

“We end up with what we’ve ended up with for the past 42 years. Drek.”

Dejected, the Master of the Universe walked over to the window and peeked through the blinds. At the court down below — at that very instant — a ball swished through the hoop. The late actor/NBA player Chuck Conners stood with his arms raised at mid-court.

Chuck Connors

Chuck Connors

God took a deep breath. “Even dead guys can shoot better than us.” He went back to his desk and buzzed Lincoln. “Evelyn, when is James Dolan set for ‘departure?’ ”

After a short pause Lincoln responded, “I’m checking the data base Father, give me a sec.”

“Whenever the date is, please make sure he checks in downstairs.”


Posted by on July 2, 2015. Filed under God & the Knicks, God Talks Back. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.