The Devil’s Big Plan for A-Rod

Filed under: God & the Yankees,God Talks Back |

Monday morning is the day God and the Devil take a break from their worldly battles to rehash what went on in the world of sports over the weekend.

God pounded on Satan’s office door but the music was so loud – Abba’s “The Winner Take All” – that the Devil himself didn’t realize he had a visitor. So the Lord snapped his fingers and the rusty dungeon door slowly creaked open. There was Satan, in his blazing red outfit wearing a Red Sox hat with a Viceroy cigarette dangling from his lips hopping around like Richard Simmons on a caffeine high.

The Devil

The Devil and A-Rod have something up their sleeves.

“What the hell are you so happy about?” God asked. The Devil clapped his hands but nothing happened. On his second try the music shut off.

The late Dr. Jack Kevorkian was no electrician

The late Dr. Jack Kevorkian was no electrician

“Crappy Clapper, don’t ever use Jack Kevorkian for any wiring,” said the master of evil. The two sat down and the Devil poured a couple of Absinthes. “Here’s to Alex Rodriguez!” said the Devil as he downed it in one gulp.

God was suspicious. “What’s your game plan with A-Rod, Devil?”

Alex Rodriguez: A Devil Favorite

Alex Rodriguez: A Devil Favorite

“Well G, I figure I’ll make him the good guy in his bonus fight with the Yankees. Now don’t get me wrong, making this self-centered, egotistical sociopath the least bit humble was a tougher job than I had with that guy.” He blindly pointed his thumb over his shoulder just as former Serbian President Slobodan Milošević walked past the  window.

Slobodan Milošević

Slobodan Milošević

“Hm. Well it looks like you’ve done a pretty good job,” said the Lord. “I can’t believe some of the crap coming out of A-Rod’s mouth…’I’m just happy to be playing baseball…’ ‘Honest, I’m in a good place. A year ago, I wouldn’t be dreaming to be talking to you guys about playing baseball and enjoying the game so much.’ It sounds like Mr. Rodriguez spent his year off course-cramming Dale Carnegie.”

The Devil turned on his outdated rear projection TV and on came GM Brian Cashman talking about how the Yankees have no intention of paying Rodriguez the $6 million linked to joining Mays at fourth on the all-time home run list.

“We have the right, but not the obligation, to do something – and that’s it,” said Cashman. “It’s not ‘you do this and you get that.’ It’s completely different. If we choose to pursue something, we’ll choose to pursue it. If we choose not to, it’s our right not to. And that means in both cases we’re honoring the contract.”

“That double talk sounds like a combination of Yogi Berra and Sarah Palin,” said God. “Bailin. That’s Cashman’s new name. Bailin. So bottom-line me here Devil. Where does all this go?”

“The way I see it is this,” said Satan. “A-Rod’s the good guy – he bangs out maybe 20-25 homers, the crowd starts likin’ him again. ‘Ya know, he’s kinda reborn. Cashman and the suits go nuts and try to sabotage everything he does. Now they’re the bad guys. Dissension develops and then – kaboom! During a key series in late September, Yanks down by a run and A-Rod’s up, but he’s seein’ dollar signs instead of Joe Kelly’s heater and fouls out to Napoli. Game over, Yankees looose. Thuuuugh Yankees loooose!”

God shook his head. “Leave it to you Devil. Anything to win a title for those Beantown bastards.” He got up and walked to the door. “By the way Devil, how old did you say Big Papi was?”

The Devil scratched his goatee and shrugged.

“Well, I have some of my people down in the Dominican Republic doing some careful fact checking. See you in September.”


Posted by on May 4, 2015. Filed under God & the Yankees, God Talks Back. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.