Masahiro Tanaka Hurt & George Steinbrenner Loses It

Filed under: God & the Yankees,God Talks Back |

“Goddamnit, I got another fat toad on my hands!” screamed the late Yankees owner George Steinbrenner as he paced in God’s office high above Heaven’s Gate Field.

“Calm down George,” said the Lord. “We both know Tanaka’s not fat.”

George Steinbrenner and "The Fat Toad" Hideki Irabu

George Steinbrenner and “The Fat Toad” Hideki Irabu

“Calm down? After I just sank $155¬†million into this guy?”

“First of all, you’re dead, so you didn’t sink anything into anybody. You sure screwed plenty of people but that’s a another story. Second, you’re still in limbo – I had a helluva time convincing the Devil you shouldn’t be down there with him, so cool it!”

The boss gave God an evil stare but backed off. “Lookit. My guys told me – er, told Hal this Tanaka kid was the real deal. Ungodly numbers in Japan. An unhittable splitter. Comes here and goes 6-0. Looks like Roger Clemens but then the whole damn Pagoda comes crashing down.”

God tapped a pencil on his desk shook his head. “Pagoda’s are Chinese George.”


God explains Pagoda’s to The Boss

“Don’t get me started on that big guy – that damn National League ruined Chin Ming Wong – sonofabitch killed his career rounding third in Houston.”

God calmly leaned back in his chair with his hands folded against his flowing white robe. “You’re not the only ones going through this George.” He snapped his fingers and a file appeared before him. “Nathan, Darvish, Strasburg, Harvey, Wheeler…” The Boss interrupted him.

“Nova, Banuelos…”

God steepled his hands against his chin. “You know George, you made some real asinine moves yourself. Let’s play a little game. Tell me the first thing that comes to your mind when I rattle off these characters. Kei Igawa.

“Twenty million for a fifty-five foot curveball.”

“Carl Pavano.”

“Couldn’t take a leak without tearing something. Lousy driver too.”

“Jose Contreras.”

“Evil Empire my ass. He just couldn’t deal with the Big Apple.”

“Pascual Perez.”

By now Steinbrenner was getting pale and woozy. ¬†“Need a moment George?” Steinbrenner leaned over and buried his face in his hands.

“I wish I used the $5.7 million to buy him driving lessons – and then a road map to the North Pole.”

God made his point and wanted The Boss to leave with a ray of hope. “Look at it this way George. Tanaka will come back good as new in 2017. By then A-Rod will be long gone, Jeter will be a Sumo Wrestling judge and maybe some of the young kids they’re finally developing will make it to the Bronx.Real prospects like the Cards and Rays always seem to find.”


Posted by on April 29, 2015. Filed under God & the Yankees, God Talks Back. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.