Tim Tebow Ghost Won’t Go Away

Filed under: God Talks Back,NFL |

God, dressed in his long flowing white robe smacked the side of his old 19″ Zenith TV and fiddled around with the rabbit ears, but was quickly losing his patience. “Holy Moses! Evelyn, call the repair guys – this piece of junk’s acting up again.” “Will do Father,” said his assistant, former JFK personal secretary Evelyn Lincoln from the outer office.

God's assistant Evelyn Lincoln

God’s assistant Evelyn Lincoln

“Baseball’s killing me,” he mumbled. “If it wasn’t for the A’s and Royals brawling all weekend I’d really lose it.” He changed the channel to Showtime and Jim Rome’s interview with former Arizona Cardinals kicker Jay Feely. The topic was Tim Tebow.

“Tebow is the single-worst quarterback I ever saw,” said Feely. “I watched him one day … I sat and watched him do routes on air with Ken Whisenhunt as we were playing the Broncos. And routes on air, there’s no [defensive backs], you know exactly what he’s going to run, there’s no pass rush. He had like 13 incompletions on routes on air. Jim, you and I could go out and do routes on air and we would complete most of our passes.”

God burst out laughing and got right on the phone. “Devil, get up here!” In a flash of light and smoke old Satan himself, wearing an Aaron Hernandez Patriots jersey appeared in the chair right across from the Lord.

“This better be good G-Man – I just landed two Mets on the DL and I was eyeing Matt Harvey.”

“Will you leave that poor kid alone already? Listen, you have to be kidding me with Tim Tebow. I finally had him tucked away in the ESPN booth. He’s like a zombie that just won’t die!”

“I thought it would be cute having him give his old pal Mark Sanchez a battle for the two spot in Philly.”

God got up and rubbed his belly. “I feel like a hot dog. Every time I hear Sanchez’ name I crave hot dogs.” He paced back and forth shaking his head and hit the intercom. “Evelyn – two Nathan’s with the works.” He turned to Satan. “When it comes to football the poor guy can’t walk and chew gum at the same time. But the thing is he’s so sweet – thanking me for every damn thing he can think of. ‘God this, God that…’ But c’mon, I wanna see real football, not a no-talent choir boy! Give me Y.A. Tittle with blood streaming down his face any day! Speaking of whom…”

God likes QB's like Y.A. Tittle

God likes QB’s like Y.A. Tittle

“Tittle’s 88 but still not ready big guy,” said the Devil. “As far as TT – I just wanted to have some fun and spook Sanchez like I did when they were both on the Jets.

Lincoln walked in and placed a silver tray on God’s desk. He lifted the cover and there were his two Nathan’s hot dogs. He took a big bite. “Just like Sanchez in Oakland, remember?”

Mark Sanchez downs a dog in Oakland

Mark Sanchez downs a dog in Oakland





Posted by on April 22, 2015. Filed under God Talks Back, NFL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.