Patriots Get Super Help From the Devil

Filed under: God Talks Back,NFL |

Super Bowl Sunday is always a special time in Heaven. Back on Earth football fans gear up for the big game with family, friends and lots of food, and it’s much the same “upstairs” — but with a twist. God invites all those departed souls who loved football to the ultimate Super Bowl event. But on this special day he also reached out to the Devil and those under Satan’s watchful beady red eyes to join him. It’s kind of a one day truce similar to the one on Christmas in 1914 when British and German soldiers laid down their weapons and celebrated by singing carols and songs while sharing cigarettes and plum pudding.

Christmas Truce

Christmas Truce 1914

Because of its popularity, God throws his annual party at the “Heavens Gate Arena” to accommodate all those who want to be part of it. So with Super Bowl XLIX blaring on the 2,000 foot Super HDTV, the famous and ordinary numbering in the millions mixed together munching on Swedish meatballs, angel food cake and deviled eggs.  


Stalin cheers for Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski

With less than a minute left in the first half and the game tied at 7, Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski reeled in a 22 yard touchdown pass from Tom Brady. With a short, stinky cigar dangling from his lips, Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili, better known to the world as Josef Stalin stood up and clapped vigorously. But as he celebrated he was pelted with eggs from a Russian peasant woman sitting two rows back. “Sit down you pig!” screamed the woman. Stalin did so, but not before jotting down notes about her in his little black book. The point after gave the Patriots a 14-7 lead but the Seahawks tied it :29 later on an 11 yard touchdown strike from Russell Wilson to Chris Matthews. Mother Theresa elbowed Machine Gun Kelly and leaped into the air with joy. “Woot! Whoot!” she cried.

Then came Katy Perry’s halftime show, and the late actor-dancer Fred Astaire noticed something was going horribly wrong. He turned to Bob Hope. “Jesus H. Christ, that idiot shark on the left is making a mockery of this poor woman’s routine!”

A 27 yard field goal by Steven Hauschka gave Seattle its first lead. Then with 4:54 left in the third Wilson hit Doug Baldwin with a three yard pass making it 24-14. God, sitting with the Devil in a private sky box elbowed his nemesis. “Love that Baldwin kid. Some athlete.”


God loves everyone – except the New England Patriots

The Devil looked at the master of the universe out of the corner of his eye. “Really. You’re gonna tell me you really knew this guy existed.”

The Devil

The Devil has something up his sleeve on Super Bowl Sunday

“OK, you caught me. So what? Anyone scoring against the Patriots is a saint in my book.”

The mood changed drastically after the Patriots took a 28-24 lead with 2:02 left in the fourth on td’s by Danny Amendola and Julian Edelman. Anxious, God got up and walked over to the buffet and lifted a tray cover. “Dammit…nothing left but Skittles!”

“Calm down G,” said Satan. “Unfortunately this one ain’t over yet.” Sure enough the Devil was right. Wilson drove the Seahawks all the way to the Patriots one yard line. On the sideline Tom Brady’s sad eyes said “We’re done.” The Devil squeezed his eyes shut while God smiled and popped a handful of Marshawn Lynch’s favorite candy into his mouth. He looked back and saw the Devil in agony — his beloved Patriots were about to suffer another heartbreaking loss in the mother of all games.

“Oh cheer up Devil, there’s always next year.”

But his words didn’t register. The master of evil was about to pull off the most incredible turnaround in Super Bowl history. He pressed his ugly red claws tightly against his head and shook violently. God strolled over to the window to soak in the Seahawks final dagger in the Patriots collective chests. There was less than a half-minute left. On the field Darrell Bevell, Seattle’s offensive coordinator had a sudden flash — the play he was about to call — a one yard Beast Mode run didn’t seem quite right. Instead what did feel right was a pass to receiver Ricardo Lockette on a slant pattern. God read the Devil’s mind and turned back but it was too late. The ball was in the air and Patriots strong safety Malcolm Butler snatched it away sealing the win for New England. In the arena a who’s who of miserable humans jumped for joy — Bonnie and Clyde kissed and hugged; Pol Pot shook his fists in triumph; Spanish dictator Francisco Franco randomly fired his pistol.

“Ha! Bevell — rymes with Devil. I gotta remember that one,” mumbled Satan.

Malcolm Butler

Malcolm Butler intercepts Russell Wilson

After the game at least one Seahawks player questioned the fateful call. “I don’t know,” said linebacker Bobby Wagner. “We’ve got Marshawn Lynch, one of the best running backs in the league, and everybody makes their decisions, and unfortunately we didn’t give him the ball.”

Everybody makes their decisions alright. Including the Devil himself.



Posted by on February 2, 2015. Filed under God Talks Back, NFL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.