Belichick Embarrasses Even the Devil

Filed under: God Talks Back,NFL |

The walls in the Devil’s office vibrated so much from the deafening music that an oil painting of a demonic-looking Bill Belichick slamming a cream pie into the face of a homeless child fell face down on top of the outdated steam radiator. The music was the equally outdated — the Baja Men’s “Who Let the Dogs out.” But God had the word “dogs” edited out and crudely replaced by the word “air” in reference to the “Deflategate” scandal.


The Devil

The Devil is forced to hear “Who Let the Dogs out”

Satan, his arms filled with files, rushed in and turned down the volume. “At least he could’ve gotten somebody better to say the word “air” than Wendy O. Williams,” he mumbled. Then his old red rotary phone rang. “Jeez big guy, what up with that?” asked the Devil as he petted his enormous hell-hound Black Shuck. God, watching the snowy weather forecast on TV in Heaven threw back a handful of Goobers.

“Thought I’d stir the pot — you know, with the big game Sunday and all. Hey, come on up.” He snapped his fingers and in a flash and a plume of smoke, there was Satan sitting on a recliner hacking and coughing.

“You told me you’d get that smokeless stuff a month ago.”

The Lord rubbed his chin. “I did, Devil. I did. Remember, it’ll take a while. The stuff’s coming from China. We could end up getting that crappy dry wall of theirs or some of those poisoned doggy treats. Never know.” He sat down behind his desk and kicked his feet up and chuckled. “Well, your boy Belichick had quite a press conference the other day. Says he’s not a scientist. Oh, that reminds me.” God hit the intercom. “Evelyn, get a hold of Einstein and Oppenheimer. I want straight answers on this deflation stuff.”

“Today’s Albert’s parachute jump,” said his secretary Evelyn Lincoln. “I’ll try Oppenheimer.”

Bll Belichick

Bill Belichick: No scientist (AP Photo/Steven Senne)

“Belichick’s a great coach but a lousy liar,” said the master of the universe. “‘I’m not a scientist.’ Reminds me of Nixon when he said he wasn’t a crook. Look at this buffoon!” He hit the VCR’s remote.

The Devil covered his face, embarrassed for his good friend Belichick as he rambled on.

“That process of creating a tackiness, a texture, the right feel, whatever that feel is — let’s just say it’s a sensation for the quarterback — that process elevates the psi approximately one pound based on what our study showed which was multiple balls, multiple examples in the process…. That’s done in a controlled climate. The footballs are prepared in our locker room, they’re delivered to the officials’ locker room, which is a controlled environment. Whatever we have here is what we have there. When the footballs go out onto the field in the game conditions, whatever those conditions are whether it’s hot and humid, whether it’s cold and damp, whether it’s cold and dry … that’s where the footballs are played with and that’s where the measurements would be different than what they are in a controlled environment, and that’s what we found.”

God stood up and paced back and forth. “But the schmuck didn’t explain why the Colts footballs weren’t affected like his were. I haven’t seen a pile of turd this high since Ali’s phantom punch on Liston.”

“OK G-man, you made your point. But I still love the guy. He’s got it all – miserable personality, arrogant beyond belief, a classic cheater and someone who’ll never let you be a success if you leave his coaching staff.” He looked at his watch. “Now I gotta get back down to Hell. A couple of ISIS clowns from France are checking in.”


Posted by on January 26, 2015. Filed under God Talks Back, NFL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.