Belichick & Deflate Gate: “I Know Nothing!”

Filed under: God Talks Back,NFL |

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick addressed the media about “Deflate Gate” with his typical stone face.

“I was shocked to learn of the footballs on Monday. I had no knowledge until Monday morning,” Belichick said. “I’d say I’ve learned a lot more about this process in the last three days than I knew, or had talked about it, in the last 40 years that I’ve coached in this league.”


“Man, is that guy devious. He even makes me blush,” said an amazed Satan as he watched the scene unfold on TV in God’s office. “Eleven out of 12 footballs mysteriously deflated and this guy denies it? What a pair on him.”

“I just assumed that it was another one of your silly pranks,” said the Lord. “You know, one of your minions letting the air out so your boy Belichick can get to another Super Bowl.” Then heĀ held up a Twinkie cake to the light.


Twinkies: God loves them

“These little suckers are as good as ever,” said the Lord after taking a bite. “These were made in 1932. Inexplicable spongy texture; artificial taste; ingredients that look like the stuff that went into the A-Bomb. But I’ll tell ‘ya, they’re heavenly. ‘Really hit the spot.” He hit the intercom button on his desk and buzzed his secretary Evelyn Lincoln. “Ev, track down Einstein and have him call me. I wanna know if he had anything to do with Twinkies.” He leaned back in his creaky chair and clasped his hands. “So Devil, you’re telling me you had nothing to do with those deflated footballs.”

The Devil

The Devil denies involvement in “Deflate Gate”

The Devil shook his head. “Wish I could take credit for it G. Now if you ask me about the Chickster’s press conference 15 years ago when he upped and quit the Jets, that’s another story.” He lit up a large Cuban cigar and blew a big smoke ring and chuckled. “You almost had Leon Hess on your hands up here after that one.”

God looked at his spreadsheet. “Hess, Hess…hm…” He flicked his finger at the paper. “Oh there he is. ‘Still in Limbo.’ I think that Kotite hire of his has him pointing your way, but go on.”

“And Spygate in 2007,” said the the master of evil, “I gave Belichick a little push if you will on that one. But this? Nah. All his.”

“You remember the TV show Hogan’s Heroes?” asked God.

“Sure do!”

“Belichick reminds me of Sergeant Shultz,” said God. “‘I know nothing!'”










Posted by on January 22, 2015. Filed under God Talks Back, NFL. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. Both comments and pings are currently closed.